28th Sep 2008
for groceries is something we all have to do. I had an experience this past week that I would ordinarily just blow off but in a effort to come to terms with all aspects of why I overate all of life (and still do on occasion) I thought I’d talk about it.
I needed some dry creamer for our coffee. So, I went down the aisle that stocked the coffee and creamer but I had to pass the breakfast foods area in order to do that. I looked at all the pop tarts (there must be hundreds of brands) and for just a fleeting moment I was 12 years old stuffing Chocolate Elephants (a type of pop tart from my childhood) in my mouth - and this was a good memory and good feeling. It made me smile.
I had a good childhood. My parents didn’t even argue in front of us and they reasoned with us when we did something wrong. And my family was not overweight. None of them. I have seen pictures of my grandmother (my father’s mother, we called her Big Momma, ironic huh?) when she was a young girl and she was heavy but by the time she was my grandmother she wasn’t just small she was (teeny) tiny.
So why am I staring at pop tarts? Why did I stop and look at them this time when I usually walk right past? Good question.
Could it be that we all want to go back to our childhood? Like I said, mine was great; no worries, no bills to pay, no economy to fear will collapse, no Presidential elections to vote in - man when you’re a kid you simply have no idea how good you have it. And maybe because my childhood was so great I miss it even more. (I do know that a good number of people were not so lucky as I was.)
Could this feeling be the one I miss? Security? Is this why my mind flashed back to Chocolate Elephants?
I was a hairdresser for most of my working life and there are segments of society that never suffer when times are bad. People still buy alcohol, they still get their hair done and even when they have a tight grocery budget, they buy food. Only when people stress out (at least it’s this way for me) they buy comfort food. I did in the past, so maybe that’s a habit that just reared its ugly head last week in the coffee aisle at Von’s. That urge to eat something for comfort came back and stopped me in my tracks.
I didn’t buy any pop tarts. I chose to remember my childhood and the good parts of it. Being fat was not a good part and I brought that on myself. And the only person that can keep me from going back to that is me. So, no matter how hard times are (because things like this run in cycles) or how good they are, I need to be an adult, not just about food, but I need to step up to the plate of life.
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25th Sep 2008
..was the last time I posted a blog. And man am I sorry. Time flies when your having fun (and that’s actually true) and sometimes sitting down and really thinking about my weight, my relationship with food and how I’m doing on the maintenance game can be hard. It brings home to me my entire life as an overweight person.
I stayed fat my entire life ignoring my relationship with food and here I am slipping right back into ignorance.
Now I haven’t gained anything, but those habits of sticking my head in the sand can sure lead me down a wrong path and boy do I know it.
So I’m back! I’ll try to be better and see you every other day or so. Instead of two weeks apart.
I owe you that. You are my strength and I’ve taken you for granted.
I’ll have several new recipes SOON! YUM!!!
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10th Sep 2008
In your dreams..
I had a dream last night that someone dropped by to see me who I hadn’t seen in many years. I think it was a friend of my Mother’s, but I’m not clear on that. I ran into my bedroom and frantically started trying on clothes so I could show her my new body, but nothing I put on looked right. EVERYTHING I put on made me look overweight. After trying on dress after skirt after blouse I looked at myself in the mirror and I had on many layers of clothes (I had tried on clothes but not taken any of them off) and was overweight. I stood there and realized that nothing had changed for me. I could take off all those layers but underneath I was still the same overweight Kitty I have always been.
I have dreamed about how I look since I’ve lost weight before and I have never been slimmer. I always look overweight in my dreams, but this was the first time I actually thought about it while I was dreaming. I’ve heard that you work your problems out in your dreams sometimes. I say all the time that I will always have these urges to eat and that my DNA didn’t change, only my body. And I have also heard that if you say something enough times you’ll finally start believing it. Maybe both are actually true. I will always be the same inside.
If you are struggling with your weight and you feel like you’re going crazy because you can’t get a handle on why you want to overeat all the time - just know that you are not alone.
I surrender - to me.
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9th Sep 2008
I have always felt like my recipes could be used in conjunction with any weight loss plan that works best for you. I think that if you took 50 overweight people you will need 50 different ways for them to lose weight..
Well, when I send people to this site they are usually at the beginning of wrapping their mind around what to do about their weight. And that’s the toughest most confusing time. I think weight loss is very personal and so have steered away from imposing how I think you ought to lose weight. And I still think you should look at several plans before you choose one.
But in a effort to help anyone who needs it I will offer my opinion here. Of all the plans I’ve ever used (and believe me I tried anything and everything) the best one - at least the one that worked for me - is Weight Watchers.
I no longer go to my meetings but I credit my leader, Shelia, with inspiring me each and every week until I could go out into the world and face restaurant desserts, grocery store specials and fast food chains by myself. If you want me to recommend a plan then that is the one I would recommend. They taught me about healthy eating. I then took what I learned and created these recipes so that I could overeat on occasion and not gain the weight back. (I don’t kid myself that I will not ever overeat. I KNOW I will and I accept that part of me now.)
My meetings were as full of people who were trying to lose weight for the first time as they were with people who had been there before and were back because they gained all the weight back.
My husband says my recipes and way of eating are the missing link in a weight loss plan and I think he’s right. I have been on a real tailspin of eating lately and am just now coming out of it. And yes, I gained about 3 pounds, but I’ve been eating like a football player who’s been fasting and was let loose in a cafeteria. And now that I have my control back (and I did some serious talking to “Fat Kitty”), the few pounds I gained are coming off quickly (I expect them to be gone in the next day or so).
So for those of you who want to know my secret, the fact is there is no secret. I just walked into a WW meeitng one night and a year later I walked into my kitchen and created everything I now eat. They go hand in glove. And as it turns out they have allowed me to have my slimmer life - for the rest of my life.
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4th Sep 2008
Neil and I lost our best little friend (our dog Harry) last week and it sent me in to a tailspin of eating. I couldn’t seem to fill up. I told myself I’d be better the next day but I wasn’t. My only saving grace is that I ate my own low fat and sugar free recipes - I just ate a whole bunch of them.
I have been terrified to get on the scales. So terrified I did the only thing I ever did in those circumstances - I ate more.
Well, I got up the courage last night to step on the scales and to my SHOCK and AMAZEMENT - I have not gained a single pound..
This REALLY works. I’m a re-believer…
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